There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
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Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
is this a threat
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.