@SaltyCorpse

You know what’s great about being in your 40s?

Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…

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@squirrel74wkgn

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

@UnFitz

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

@ElKnuckelhombre

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

@TheMichaelRock

‘Tis the season to pull copious amounts of tinsel out of your dog’s butthole.

@RocketRankoon

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

@clarkekant

My electric toothbrush ran out of batteries so I had to brush with my acoustic.

@nbadag

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

@abbiehive

Do celebrities have to do jury duty? Imagine standing trial and you just see Beyoncé sitting there

@TysonMarie

If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries