@VaChina1 Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
@SaltyCorpse You know what’s great about being in your 40s?
Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…
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@VaChina1 
@Swishergirl24 -911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
@Kids_kubed Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
@Midgetspar Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
@TitansHomer {Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
@BadJordon ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
@hellohappy_time 3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together
@Crunch11b Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
@Book_Krazy Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake