[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
You know what’s great about being in your 40s?
Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…
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Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
‘Tis the season to pull copious amounts of tinsel out of your dog’s butthole.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My electric toothbrush ran out of batteries so I had to brush with my acoustic.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Do celebrities have to do jury duty? Imagine standing trial and you just see Beyoncé sitting there
If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries