Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
You Might Also Like
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Breaking news:
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor