You know what’s really great about being a narcissist? Me.

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I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.


Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.


Note: *coughs*


Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.


how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism


If I meet Captain Crunch I’m going to punch him in the roof of the mouth.


Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.


8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure


ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…