I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
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ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.