You know what’s really great about being a narcissist? Me.

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If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer


Cop; Know why I pulled you over?

Me; Because you got beat up in high school


Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?


Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old


The second world war should have been called world war returns


Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in the news, but Manson more favorably.


Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol


If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.


My daughter lost her 1st tooth today so I’m staying up all night to see The Rock in a tutu.


Turns out you have to *tell* a guy you’re going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he’s in his sweats.


[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.