Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
You know what’s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
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CSI is like Scooby-Doo for old people.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Will Will chase Chase?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
If I meet Captain Crunch I’m going to punch him in the roof of the mouth.
Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…