@SlayerSays

You know what’s really great about being a narcissist? Me.

You Might Also Like

@dumbbeezie

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

@thatUPSdude

Cop; Know why I pulled you over?

Me; Because you got beat up in high school

Cop;…….

Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?

@Sickayduh

Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old

@Kirangandhi

The second world war should have been called world war returns

@JRehling

Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in the news, but Manson more favorably.

@iAmGolfy

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

@ThrillHicks

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

@Mr_Kapowski

My daughter lost her 1st tooth today so I’m staying up all night to see The Rock in a tutu.

@MartaEffing

Turns out you have to *tell* a guy you’re going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he’s in his sweats.

@DrakeGatsby

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.