@RamblingMachine

You know what’s sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn’t drink the poison

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@jazmasta

Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”

@LlamaInaTux

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

@MorganJ7

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

@TuffyNyC

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

@fart

dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now

@dubstep4dads

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

@Gupton68

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

@_Tempo11

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]