Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
You know what’s sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn’t drink the poison
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Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,
I’m a terrible gardener.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”