I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
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no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
barbara was highly relatable
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
so this horse walks into a bar
you stereotypes are all alike
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.