The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
You know when somebody shows you photos of their new baby and you lie and say they look beautiful?
That’s what people do with your selfies.
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James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[learning how to tie shoes in school]
Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?