@Token_Geezer

You know when somebody shows you photos of their new baby and you lie and say they look beautiful?

That’s what people do with your selfies.

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@kevinseccia

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

@ClichedOut

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

@onlxn

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

@thombodytolove

[learning how to tie shoes in school]

Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life

@Dustinkcouch

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

@BradBroaddus

Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.

@crunchenhancer

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

@Rlpihl

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?