[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
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I have a type: disappointing
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you鈥檙e an overachiever.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it鈥檚 super relatable
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 馃ぃ
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain鈥檛 gonna fold itself so if y鈥檃ll don鈥檛 hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I鈥檓 the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Dating in your early 20鈥檚:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40鈥檚:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I don鈥檛 have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.