You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle