[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Happy Star Wars day!
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.