You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
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I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.