You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Somebody call the cops.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
channeling her this year
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.