You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
If you know, you know 😂🚔
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My purse is deeper than some people.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I wish I could veto my bills.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!