wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.