you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.