You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
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I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
When you can’t find your friend Neil
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Encore…
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
My inexpensive home security system…
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who