If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
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I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*