At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers
You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!
My infamous last words to my wife
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When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life
Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
It’s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
in australia we call her kilometrey cyrus
Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?