@bartandsoul

You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!

My infamous last words to my wife

You Might Also Like

@briangaar

At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers

@batkaren

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

@Beyerstein

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

@SteveSuckington

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

@Bagyants

It’s weird how in England the passenger drives the car

@Steven37366100

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

@kimlockhartga

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

@PopSlapFunk

Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.

@ObscureGent

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?