You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!

My infamous last words to my wife

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I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.


If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.


Deactivated my FB. Before the final “submit”, they show you pictures of “friends” that says “These people will miss you”. Best laugh ever.


My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.

Starting to get suspicious…

What kind of monster still has a VCR?


[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car


I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.


the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air


I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it


11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.