@bartandsoul

You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!

My infamous last words to my wife

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@bencoffeehall

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

@jakefromstfarm3

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

@PrettyNBoots

Deactivated my FB. Before the final “submit”, they show you pictures of “friends” that says “These people will miss you”. Best laugh ever.

@samfromks

My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.

Starting to get suspicious…

What kind of monster still has a VCR?

@AdamTheLobster

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

@fading_roses19

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

@koalaslament

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

@dumbbeezie

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

@MamaFizzles

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.