(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
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Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Vodka burrito was a success
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Every time my phone rings
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.