Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
You Might Also Like
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
this is literally a CIA plant
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”