Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
you know who REALLY dies after Infinity War? DC.
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Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a “Worst Trophy Shop” trophy and then never pick it up.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band