You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Warm pools make me nervous.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife