Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
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Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Software Development ⛵️
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume