screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
me as a parent
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt