You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

You Might Also Like


kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?


[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM


The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.


Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess


When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.


Shark week is actually the best time to go to the beach. All the sharks are busy being on tv


My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.


I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from