You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..

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If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.


Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter


“And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending.”


According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”


[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*


I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.


me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know


Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal


Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them


My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.