You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..

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There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.


Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!


My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.


Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?


Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days


[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry


I hate when people say,
“You barely touched your food” like what do you want me to do stroke it?


Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?



I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.