@InnocentMarina6

You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..

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@squirrel74wkgn

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

@fro_vo

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

@MartaEffing

I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.

@Turbo_Jimmy

I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people

@90spideypool

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

@writerPT

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

@spaceboyriley

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

@Darlainky

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

@bIessbaby

*gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet