*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*
Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..
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Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.
I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet