There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..
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Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I hate when people say,
“You barely touched your food” like what do you want me to do stroke it?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.