[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Hank is one in a melon.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
man i love columbo
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs