@MissBee73

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

You Might Also Like

@NewDadNotes

[shopping with my wife]

Wife: why does a refrigerator need WiFi?

Me: so it can Netflix and Chill : )

Wife:

Me:

Wife: excuse me Sir, does this have a return policy?

Employee: the fridge?

Wife: my husband.

@markydoodoo

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

@peachgrenade

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

@MichaelAlliman

Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.

@TalibJim

ME: bae, you wanna go out?

HER: hell yeah 😊

ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.

@DannyZuker

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

@MsTexas1967

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

@NicestHippo

“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”

@2browneyedboys

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles