[shopping with my wife]
Wife: why does a refrigerator need WiFi?
Me: so it can Netflix and Chill : )
Wife: excuse me Sir, does this have a return policy?
Employee: the fridge?
Wife: my husband.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
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At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I have feelings for you. Please take them and leave.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.
ME: bae, you wanna go out?
HER: hell yeah 😊
ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles