You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
When libraries troll their patrons.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number