You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

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[shopping with my wife]

Wife: why does a refrigerator need WiFi?

Me: so it can Netflix and Chill : )



Wife: excuse me Sir, does this have a return policy?

Employee: the fridge?

Wife: my husband.


At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.


It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.


Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.


ME: bae, you wanna go out?

HER: hell yeah 😊

ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.


Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.


They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed


“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”


me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles