My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
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Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I have so many questions.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.