Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
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Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I’d hang this in my house.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first