You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.

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my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn


I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”


[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”


Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!


According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.


[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*


a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism


Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.


Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.


*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO