@Steelers1972

You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.

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@minkpinkustink

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

@marebytes

I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”

@Spaziotwat

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

@JPLFR80

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

@Gooooats

According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.

@iwearaonesie

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

@wolfpupy

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

@generaldietz

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

@TheTweetOfGod

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

@jonnysun

*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO