You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
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Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.