You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
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Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Dune (2021)
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.