You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

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Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit


[first date]
ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them


Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14


*termites on date*
Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
Termite: table for two.


Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.


My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.


“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol


horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course


Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.


I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.