Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
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ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them
MY DATE, WHO IS THE SUN: i see
Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14
*termites on date*
Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
Termite: table for two.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.
I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.