@HenpeckedHal

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

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@raymondh3h3

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

@trentistweeting

[first date]
ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them
MY DATE, WHO IS THE SUN: i see

@kharizzmaaa

Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14

@Kaminapun

*termites on date*
Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
Termite: table for two.

@souls_asylum

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

@GrandadJFreeman

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

@mrjohndarby

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

@shkeeber

Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.