You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?