It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
By the age of 30 you should have
1. $100 in your account
2. a knee pain
4. back pain
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers