You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.


If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.


By the age of 30 you should have

1. $100 in your account

2. a knee pain

3. anxiety

4. back pain


SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin


When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.


Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!


Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.


Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.


You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers