@FBSisnothere

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

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@LePetitOiseau_L

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

@nottheworstmom

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

@Jerrypleasure

By the age of 30 you should have

1. $100 in your account

2. a knee pain

3. anxiety

4. back pain

@rimaparikh12

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@Angibangie

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

@DBMaxP

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

@primawesome

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

@AimeeHelene1

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers