@TheCiscoKidder

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

@orange_rhymer

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

@YesNoSuper

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

@Eagle_Vision

My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

@SteveHuff

People are so wary of technology still. I grew up living directly under high power lines & only have 1 sentient mole that orders me to kill.

@eXentRic_

Excuse me waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?

@BlitznBeans

“This is not fair!” – Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.

@Southernwit_1

I’m beginning to think that a woman calling another woman hun or sweetie is not a term of endearment.

@a_man_named_JED

School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free