You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh