“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My inexpensive home security system…
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.