America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”