FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”
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Dance like you’re not the father
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
As a Jew, I refuse to enter any steam room or sauna until I’ve seen other people come out.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.