@close_c

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”

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@Jandalize

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

@isabelzawtun

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

@sad_saurus

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

@simoncholland

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

@Brampersandon_

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

@chrisdelia

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

@iamspacegirl

Geppetto:
I wish you were a real boy

Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*

Geppetto: yay!

[3 hrs later]

Geppetto: This was a mistake

@jjhartinger

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien