@close_c

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”

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@Jade_VK

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

@PaperWash

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

@robdelaney

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

@Vodkantots

As a Jew, I refuse to enter any steam room or sauna until I’ve seen other people come out.

@TheCattyLady

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

@cat_whisperer_

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

@jjmick45

GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.

@JJSummertime

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

@Eves1

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?