you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
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“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I can also cook 😂
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U