You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
so i’m at the stock market right
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
*weighs self after shaving
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.