You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
You Might Also Like
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree