Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
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You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Legend 🤣🤣
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?