You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”