You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

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“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend


ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote


The detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only


My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.


Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol


WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?


[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.


Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.