@ruraljules

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

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@HepatitisAtoZ

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

@rikpayne

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

@Cheeseboy22

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

@BlindChow

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

@BuckyIsotope

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

@DannyZuker

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

@BrettDruck

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

@ericsshadow

[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”

@jwoodham

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.