You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

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chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes


People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.


My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.


(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?


ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy


The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.


If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.


Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.


[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”


In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.