If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
You give great word of mouth
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes