@ruraljules

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

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@WilliamAder

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

@curlycomedy

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

@themiltron

her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids

@dafloydsta

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

@junejuly12

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

@T_Bonezzz_

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

@reallifemommy3

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

@sheseemslegit

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes