@ruraljules

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

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@illTortuga

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

@ericsshadow

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

@gavinpivott

The detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

@daplusk

It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only

@Darlainky

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

@ArfMeasures

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

@TheHatStore

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

@AtticusFinch79

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

@wendchymes

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.