You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
road rage
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.