You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
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*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Mad Max Arctic Road
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.