You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

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Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.


The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.


Me: Your baby looks funny.
Her: That’s my dog.
M: Yeah.. uh huh.
H: …
M: I’d tell everyone it was my dog too if my baby looked like that.


If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.


Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.


Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17?

Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.


Why would they add “twerk” to the dictionary? People that would use said word can’t read.


Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.


*on the phone*

God: I’ve read it

God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots

God: A meteor

God: No warranty, no

God: I tampered with Pangea

God: You think I don’t know that?

God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT


Batman: Who’s he talking to

Robin: Holy tech support Batman


Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late