You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
<—- homeless romantic
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”