You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.