You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

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Man sees the first Cat

Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me


Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.


I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!


Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.


What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*


Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it


The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.


I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.


Me: Lord, I saw one set of footprints in the sand

Jesus: That was when I carried you my child

Me: No, I mean now. Look – kind of like giant… clawprints?

Jesus: Oh shit he’s back

Me: lol w-

Jesus: [already sprinting away] SAVE YOURSELVES