@HallpassCanada

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

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@NewDadNotes

Man sees the first Cat

Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me

@bingowings14

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

@BourbonLuv

I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!

@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

@AimeeHelene1

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

@Rlpihl

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

@BoobsRadley

The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

@CaptPinkbeard

Me: Lord, I saw one set of footprints in the sand

Jesus: That was when I carried you my child

Me: No, I mean now. Look – kind of like giant… clawprints?

Jesus: Oh shit he’s back

Me: lol w-

Jesus: [already sprinting away] SAVE YOURSELVES