Man sees the first Cat
Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
hello 911? yes do you think i’m pretty
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Me: Lord, I saw one set of footprints in the sand
Jesus: That was when I carried you my child
Me: No, I mean now. Look – kind of like giant… clawprints?
Jesus: Oh shit he’s back
Me: lol w-
Jesus: [already sprinting away] SAVE YOURSELVES