@AmishPornStar1

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

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@Contwixt

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

@StephenBCramer

Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane.

@daemonic3

[interrogation room]

me: i’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

cop: again, the police dog is not an officer

@HepatitisAtoZ

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

@dafloydsta

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

@BassoonJokes

The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.

@catstronomical

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

@chuuew

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?