Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.