You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
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Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
…żyje?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look