@joeljeffrey

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

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@FredTaming

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

@GlumGeorgeLucas

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

@deedles420

If a conspiracy theorist tries to suck you into one of their wacky stories, just counter it with an even crazier theory.

Them: the moon landing was fake!

You: dude u still believe the moon is real? *shake ur head & walk away*

@Leslie_Annie

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

@juliussharpe

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.