You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
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doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.