You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
So true for me
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
😎 🍻
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.