You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
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my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.