I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
seems like a niche market
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”