I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
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Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Breaking news:
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
An odd boast
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
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