@JustinGuarini

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

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@DiGiornoPizza

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

@sixfootcandy

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out
“Oh come on. Even I’ve done THAT!”

@AimeeHelene1

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

@brian_bilston

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

@andlikelaura

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

@Lazer_Cat_

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

@Lord_Voldemort7

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.