FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Me: well apparently not
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.