You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

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FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me


Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die


Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?



How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?


Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not


When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.


Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.


I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.